It's All in Your Body Language

No matter how good you get at reading body language, you may never feel that you have perfected it because this is such a wide subject. However, there are a few basics that will always help you get a fair idea of what is going on. The first and most essential skill you’ll need to develop is a sense of observation. You need start looking for the warning signs – but this must done naturally and in tandem with your verbal communication unless you want to completely freak the other person out completely. The warning signs are:

Inconsistencies –is the body language in sync with the verbal language? Is the person saying “yes” while the body is saying “no”?

Non-verbal communication grouped – One single gesture may not really mean too much. Do not read too much there. Rather, pay attention to clusters of group signals that are sent – like the tone of the voice, facial expression, eye movement, hands movements, etc. What do they say together?

Tune in to your gut feelings – most people “know” what the other actually says. You will have that gut feeling that this person is not actually telling the truth, or is not interested or that he is preoccupied with something else – don’t ignore your gut feeling just because the person is saying the opposite too eloquently. Be aware and more careful when you gut feeling is sending you warning signals. Watch closely for body language that does not match the words.

Eye contact –is the eye contact just right? Or is it furtive or too intense?

Facial expression – is the face responsive? Is it a mask of indifference? Is it hard and unforgiving? Is it animated with interest? Does it match the words?

Tone of the voice – there is 1001 ways to say “come here” or “thank you”. Try it. Say it with surprise, anger, sadness, eagerness, happiness and so on. The tone of voice can say a lot. Do you find comfort there or coldness? Is it strained? Is it confident or timid? Is it challenging or encouraging? Sometimes, a mere “how do you do” could set the pace of the discussion.

Posture of the body and gestures – take a quick look at how the person is holding his body. Is stiff and unfriendly? Is it “I’m into you” type? Is it slouched and dejected? Is it tense – are shoulders rigid and raised? Is the upper body turned one side while feet are another? Are the hands gestures within the body frame or move much outward?

Touch – is there touching? If yes, is it appropriate? Is the person invading your safety zone? Is the touching dominating or friendly? Does it make you feel good, annoys you or it fills you with dread?

Intensity of the personality – is the person too melodramatic? Too quiet? Too cold? Too dangerous? Too flat?

Timing and flow of the conversation - is the verbal communication too fast that it looks impatient? Or too slow that it looks uninterested? Do the nonverbal signals keep up with the words – or is the mouth saying something and the body language something else. All these are signals that will tell you what the other person is actually thinking and planning to do. The ability to read it accurately would help you preempt the action and intervene in such a manner that you get the action you want from the person you are talking to. In the end, it is all about getting your way.

Facial Expression

In most cases what you think and feel is reflected in your face. Some people master the art to keep a blank face, but that would be for a limited time like when appearing an interview or gambling – and this would be in order to prevent the other person read what the real feelings are. There are 6 basic expressions that are common to the human species and can be read same all over the world:

Anger - You will know from the face of the person that he is angry. There is a frown, eyelids become narrowed, lips are tight and often in a straight line and nostrils flare.

Disgust - The nose wrinkles in disgust and the face crumples – eyebrows come down and cheek muscles are pulled up.

Fear - The facial expression for fear is universal. Eyes widen, mouth opens in a gasping gesture, cheek muscles get tense and eyebrows shoot up wrinkling the forehead.

Happiness - Smiling is the first and most common facial expression that says, “I’m happy”. The face is relaxed, welcoming and warm. Wrinkles are formed at the corner of the eyes – laugh lines.

Sadness - You will find that the inside corners of the eyebrow go slightly up, lips corners come down (sad smiley or emoticon) sometime they quiver announcing tears. Tears are also a sign of sadness (also of intense happiness).

Surprise - Jaw drops, eyebrows shoot up and eyes widen. Wrinkles would be formed in the middle of the forehead and the mouth would be open. Besides, these 6 universal and easy-to read expressions are many more combination and permutations. The eyes are the most “talkative” in the facial expressions. Besides showing these 6 basic expressions/ emotions there are:

Uncomfortable – sideway glancing, furtive glancing, darting eye contact, looking down, looking all over the room or towards the door may convey this. Too much blinking also can be taken as a sign of nervousness.

Lying – furtive looks, inability to maintain steady eye contact, looking at hands, cold be signs that the person is not telling the truth.

Giving space – the “I don’t see you look” is used in crowded places where eye contact could become overwhelming. You would experience this look in elevators, subways, railway stations, airports, etc. where you are in a crowd, but do not want to connect not allow anyone to reach out to you.

Deference – in many cultures “looking straight in the eye” is considered disrespectful and challenging authority. Hence, the lower rank would lower their eyes when addressing someone of higher rank. In some culture, women are expected to look down as a confirmation of modesty. Women who make eye contact would be interpreted as “lose character” or “soliciting sex” in certain parts of the world.

Dominance – you’d have heard of the expression, “staring him down”. This is when the eyes are boring and unflinching forcing the other person to break contact first. This is the dominating look and is used normally by one who either believes he is higher in rank, or want to intimidate others into believing that.

Posture

The way a person carries his body says a lot about what the person feels. A timid person will carry himself differently from how a confident and self-assured person does.

Nervous, timid, low self-esteem – the body is slouching, shoulders down in an almost cringing posture, head bent forward, eyes looking down or darting furtively around, legs either crossed tightly or with feet very close together, arms covering the vulnerably zone of the body (neck, belly button level and groin). It says, “Let me out of here. I’m not comfortable here.”

Dominant, full of confidence, leader – body upright, jaw thrust forward, head tilted upwards, powerful gait, feet at shoulder’s width or slightly more, hands at the side and outward, chest swollen, shoulders squared, hands moving within the body width with precise movements, eyes full contact, gauging you.

Arrogant, pompous, full of himself – body taking more space than required, head tilted backwards, eyes challenging, feet wide apart, hands gestures loud, brisk and wide, groin exposed in an inappropriate manner, eyes pushing you into the ground.

Arm Position

The way you hold your arms vis-à-vis your body will also tell a lot about what you feel and think. People tend to make self-protective gestures when they are not comfortable with what they see, hear or feel. When comfortable and agreeable, they allow themselves to be exposed and open.

Uncomfortable, untrusting, closed – the arms and hands will try to cover the vulnerable parts of the body. You will find the arms touching the neck portion, round the bellybutton or in the lap covering the groin area. You may also find the arms crossed in front of the chest.

Trusting, interested, open – the arms of the person who is interested, open and trusting would have the arms away from the vulnerable areas of the body. The hands would either be hanging loosely at the side of the body or used for articulate gesturing.

Space Zones

Space is not exactly body language, but is a very important factor. The space one makes around him can indicate fairly accurately how they are feeling. There are four types of zones, i.e. the public zone, the social zone, the personal zone and the intimate zone.

The Public Zone – this would be by Western standards, about 12 feet from any other person. This is generally the distance one puts between himself and a public speaker. This is totally nonthreatening and non-invading. It is also a zone where there is little or no commitment between the speaker and listener.

The Personal zone – this covers a distance on 1½ - 4 feet around us. This is the zone where we allow people when interacting in public places such as restaurants, work place, parties, etc.

The Intimate Zone – this is about 18 inches to touching distance and in this circle/ zone we allow only those whom we trust completely. When you find strangers in this space, it makes you uncomfortable. This is why in crowded of tiny places such as elevators, train, etc. people avoid eye contact. This is to say, “I’m not willing invading your private space. I respect your privacy.”

Hand Gestures

Hand gestures betray what you feel in many ways; most of it is involuntary, unless you are aware what the gestures indicate and you want to stress your verbal statement with the help of your hand gestures. We instinctively read hand gestures even if we would not be able to explain them. For example, shaking a forefinger at someone spells, “reprimand” or “blame”; clenched fists could mean fear, anger or pain, palms upwards would invite discussion, palms down would not be so encouraging.

Unconscious gestures – and often very difficult to control – are those which happen without thinking. For example, when you lie your hand might move to your mouth without you even noticing it.

• thumbs up means all is okay (not everywhere though, in some places like Japan and Germany it indicates ordering beer);

• thumbs down means rejected or something that went wrong;

• clapping means appreciation and/ or happiness;

• putting your hands to your face indicates you are feeling moved – indicates sadness;

• putting your hand behind your head indicates super confidence and self-assurance;

• hands rubbing together indicates satisfaction or anticipation something good;

• wave of one hand could mean “I dismiss you” or “this is not important”; and so on.

Sometimes one gesture can have many nuances – such as a handshake. A limp handshake indicates insecurity, while a strong handshake means self-assurance. A handshake that turns the other hand palm up indicates desire to dominate.

Foot Placement

Foot placement can tell you quite accurately what a person feels and wants.

• When the body is turned to a person, but feet are pointing in another direction it means they want to get away.

• When the feet are close together, the person is timid and wants to disappear.

• When the feet are spread at the width of the shoulders or a little extra it shows the characteristic of “alpha” or a leader. They tend to take more air that needed just because they can. That stance exudes power and dominance – not necessarily is a negative manner.

• When the feet are too wide, it means the person is loud to cover for their insecurities. These are bullies – basically cowards, but who pose as “big guys” to cover up their low self-esteem.

Published By SHUBHAM PATKAR

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